A Note About Late Night Ads for Birthday Entertainment

I was half asleep last night when I caught an infomercial for "Uncle Majic," the Hip Hop Magician. I got a chance to look up this guy today on his website, and he's legit. He also has a loyal sidekick, Shock-Kim, and according to UM, all the celebrities call him for their kids' birthdays. Color me interested.

A Note About You and I

Lady Gaga's been the buzz the last few days, since showing up to her MTV Video Music Award performance dressed up as her male alter ego, (and apparently former lover) Jo Calderone. As she plunked the piano (very entertainingly) and belted out one of my favorite Gaga songs, You and I, there seemed to be more than a few disconnects. For one thing, she calls her love interest in the song, Nebraska. When I'm listening to the song, I hear Nebraska, and I think something like this:




A man like this looks like he is from Nebraska. He looks like the kind of man that will tell you, "Sit back down where you belong, in the corner of my bar with your high heels on. Sit back down on the couch were we made love and you said to me, something. Something about this place..." A man like this looks like he means business. Plus, he has a cowboy hat. He can probably kick someone's ass, then tenderly kiss his lady. So, I was a bit surprised when Gaga appeared like this for the song:

Am I seeing a My Cousin Vinny -era Joe Pesci here? At least in the strange music video for the song, she looks like she's sitting in a cornfield. Yes, note that our new buddy Jo, also taking Gaga's Sept. issue of Japanese vogue interview, is in the video (as Gaga's love interest?) Please note the doctor guy trying to bring Gaga back to life in the video looks much like a cool Nebraska guy. And during a few points, she is all over him, and vice versa, plus she marries him. Is he the Nebraska guy? Who is "Jo" really? And why does Gaga look like a mermaid? Color me confused.

But, I'm getting a somewhat country-themed vibe with the video. Not so much with the performance. Plus, Gaga dances in a barn, wearing high heels. This element was completely lacking in the VMA performance, which was ironically, in my opinion, very "New York."

To further shock my heart, NY's Z100 played the song tonight, with "New York" subbed in for Nebraska. This completely changes the meaning of the song. Yes, "Jo" looks very new work, and in that vain it works. But this song is about loving a strong, sexy, country man. And for all the costumage in the world, Gaga cannot be that man, but she will be the powerful woman singing about him.

A Note: I Just Want the Last 27 Minutes of My Life Back

Powerless to find the remote after MTV's VMA awards this week, I found myself watching I Just Want My Pants Back, which was one of the most pointless shows I've seen in a very long time (and I specialize in finding pointless TV shows). See video here to judge for yourself. It was just a preview episode of the show, which is set to debut several months from now, or if I have anything to say about it, never. The only thing that's better (read WORSE) than listening to scripted 20-somethings complain about being broke, aimless, and loveless is to listen to HIPSTERS complain about being broke, aimless, and loveless.

Lead hipster Jason works at a casting agency, his boss hates, him, he can't find love with a girl, and seems to be somewhat of a screw up with his friends. Tina, his overly slutty BFF, clearly belongs with him in the future. Jason ends up with a broken thumb and Tina gets a rash on her neck- all due to choosing bad people to canoodle with. They spend all their time with a well-adjusted couple, Eric and Stacey. Quite honestly, Stacey and Tina looked so much alike in the show, I couldn't tell them apart in some scenes. And poor Jason nearly cried about the skanky girl who borrowed his pants after a one night stand and gave him a fake phone number. Sooooo sad..... I just can't care. This idea was so much more original in shows like the wildly popular Thirtysomething, or even the short-lived ABC show, Wasteland.

A Note: What Grease Taught Me About Life Part 1

I recently had the pleasure of attending a screening of GREASE (one of my all-time favorite movies since early childhood) with a Q and A with Didi Conn (Frenchy). I loved seeing Didi up close, and she was the sweetest person. She told us some great stories about auditioning for the movie and filming the "teen angel" scene with Frankie Valli. Plus, I had some time to reflect on the important life lessons GREASE taught me:

5. Summer love doesn't have to end when summer does
There's high probability that your summer fling won't go back to Australia (like Sandy), and you'll suddenly have to address the relationship with your friends, "I don't know this Danny you speak of. Maybe you should check the yellow pages or take out a missing persons ad." Oh, those Summer Nights.

4. Radio DJ's will pray on young fans
Thanks Mr. Vince Fontaine for putting the moves on Marty during the hand jive contest instead of noticing Cha Cha stealing Danny away for the final dance,"Do your parents know I come into your room every night? On WKLB of course."

3. When you need a date for the dance, ask your boyfriend's mortal enemy
It helps if they're in rival gangs, and it makes for a more interesting hand jive contest. See 0:56 for "dirty dancing with boyfriend's enemy," and 1:23 for ensuing fight.

2. Gossip spreads like wildfire at the drive-in.
In about 4o seconds, the entire drive-in knew Rizzo might be pregnant. And when Sandy left Danny, "Stranded at the drive-in. Branded a fool. What will they say Monday at school?", things did not look good.

1. Dress slutty and boys will like you. Then sing about it.
There's nothing like hearing "I've got chills... they're multiplying." You're the One That I Want, indeed.

Stay tuned for more GREASE life lessons.

A Note: A Battle of the 1999 Teen Comedies

Oh the 90s, you were so full of life, and full of wonderfully rich teen comedies. On this wave of nostalgia, I've compiled a little compare-and-contrast about three of the top teen rom-coms of 1999: 10 Things I Hate About You, She's All That, and Drive Me Crazy.


Final comparison, Scene-ending lines:

10 Things: I'm hip, I'm down, I've got the 411. And I'm not letting you go out and get jiggy with some guy, I don't care how dope his ride is. My mama didn't raise no fool. -- Mr. Stratford (Larry Miller), when Bianca (Larissa Oleynik) asks to go out on a date.

SAT: Am I a bet? Am I a stupid bet? -- Laney (RLC) to Zack after dean purposely blabs about their bet to turn her into the prom queen.

Drive Me: Nicole (MJH): Who are we making jealous now? Chase (Adrian Grenier): Everyone. (End of the movie, when they reconcile on the dance floor).
NOTES:
* Dule Hill plays Gus on the USA show PSYCH. In his classic introduction during SAT, Dean (Paul Walker) says, "His dad owns Harrison Ford. The car dealership." Honorable mention went to Matthew Lillard as a castoff of The Real World.

Drive Me Crazy Trailer (No Dance Scenes available)
Link to Julia Stiles' 10 Things dance
Link to Matthew Lillard's She's All That dance
Link to She's All That prom dance ^

^I think this was choreographed by Wade Boggs or one of those guys that did a lot of work with N*SYNC at the time.) Keep an ear out for Usher's dance cues, "Split like the red sea!" This scene gave many people, including me, unrealistic expectations about school dances, unless you're attending the FAME high school. Still, I feel oddly nostalgic every time I hear Fatboy Slim's Rockefeller Skank.

A Note: NoEvil News August 9 - August 23

7. ABC new home to empowered women!
I can't disagree with one speck of this article. ABC's all about the alpha females now.

6. New Baby Lily on Modern Family.
Let's hope she keeps those adorable "what are you doing?" expressions the original twins that played Lily mastered so well.

5. Bridget Jones III!
I love this franchise like nothing else. The plot line seems a bit weak , but I've give anything to see Hugh Grant and Colin Firth wrestle in a fountain again.

4. Ashton Brings DMV to TruTv.
It's like Punked, except at the front of the line, they tell you to come back after lunch. Unfortunately, this show will probably be on opposite my favorite car reality show, Parking Wars.

3. Kim Kardashian Got Married and Spent a Lot of Money
Ah, wedded bliss! Second wedding's the charm. And she only spend $150,000 on the dress, that's nothing compared to the amount she could spend on a future divorce.

2. Earthquake felt "all over east coast."
Apparently I'm the only person the east coast that didn't feel it. Good thing CNN is checking Twitter to survey the damage.

1. Anne Hathaway busts a gangsta rap on Conan.
Saw it live. Loved it. Also enjoyed Anne explaining to Conan about "ba-donk-a-donk."

A Note: NoEvil News July 25-August 8th

7. Gene Simmons Finally Proposes to Shannon!
It only took two grown kids, a house in the Hollywood Hills, his and hers facelifts, and a few seasons of reality TV cameras to bring this to fruition.

6. Ted Danson on CSI
The guy was great on Damages. But putting Danson on CSI is like when Mr. Big got put on Law and Order, only more desperate.

5. Shannen Doherty Gets Reality Wedding Show
Not that I don't enjoy celebrity weddings, but do we need to see every moment leading up to it? And of all the formerly A-listers of the 90s, I might prefer to see someone's first wedding, not their third. What's next, a spot behind Tori and Dean?

4. TNT renews Franklin and Bash
Can I get a light saber battle in the courtroom in celebration of season 2? Yes I can!

3. Kat Von D and Jesse James End Engagement
It's probably for the best, all those tattoos under one roof might have been toxic.

2. James Franco comes back to General Hospital
I don't care if he's a mysterious artist/murderer, I still love the guy.

1. Charlie Sheen's Character Having Funeral on "Two and a Half Men"
Is anyone surprised? Still weird that Ashton is gonna be their landlord.